Loss , Grief and Recovery was one of the courses I studied
for the Community Skills Certificate, at the time when my mother died in an
operation after an accident.
I had the dream of becoming a counsellor and the course was
one steps along the way.
Since then I've been in lots of counselling sessions myself
and I did lots of self-development courses.
A week ago I finished an 8 week course called Resolve (the 3rd time).
In Resolve we looked at what our dreams were and this time I
got in touch with the dream of being myself and a sense of belonging, which was
not fulfilled in my childhood or even as an adult.
The next step was
looking at what we lost, which for me was a sense of self, having a voice and a
sense of belonging.
Through the teachings in the course (done by 2 counsellors,
who had to have a minimum of 400 client sessions before they could lead the
course) I understood the types of attachments we have experienced as a child on
a deeper level. I learned that disoriented attachment was one of mine. This
type of attachment is at the root of severe mental health issues. No wonder I
had experienced severe depression and suffered from extreme anxiety most of my
life.
Fortunately, my journey of self-discovery/recovery started a
long time ago. When my oldest son was 18 month old (he is now 29), I learned about the importance of forgiveness.
I filled pages of forgiving my mother, father and other people including
myself. My mother knew nothing about this, but our relationship was a bit better
when we did see each other.
The Resolve course has given me a much deeper understanding
of forgiveness. Now I know it is important to feel the loss/ hurt first and
express it (in a healthy way) and set boundaries before we can truly and safely
forgive.
In the past I had forgiven from an understanding of why
people did what they did (very noble, being the good girl), but not that
helpful for deep healing.
Feeling my losses started to happen in the last two Resolve
courses and more healing happened then.
This time round I was able with the support of weekly
counselling (a suggested requirement for the course) to feel on a deeper level
again.
I realized that in my childhood I had not been allowed to
have needs or a voice, to express my needs. So, as an adult I hadn't allowed
myself to have needs or a voice and to express my feelings, since I felt
socially inappropriate.
Another realization was the understanding why I prefer
solitude and feel socially inapt and why social situations bring up strong
feelings of anxiety, why I didn't know how to behave - since my sense of self
had not been developed.
Even as a baby I didn't get the eye contact from my
caregivers. My mother almost died giving birth to me and since she had no place
to go she worked in the hospital laundry while the nurses looked after me. The
nurses were not allowed eye contact while feeding me, so they had to place the
baby facing away on their laps. My mother resented me, the unplanned child 'that
caused her so much trouble.'
So I didn't get the re-assurance, that is so important for
the development of a sense of self through the bonding, eye contact or a secure
attachment.
It is no wonder that I felt socially inapt, in-appropriate,
insecure, awkward, terrified.
The terror was like a lurking monster.
In my last counselling session I drew calm waters with some
murky stuff in it. As I talked I became aware of this terror, the lurking
monster. I drew a big black jaggedy thing and realized how huge this was,
something that I had carried all my
life, the uncertainty, the unpredictability, the terror, the fear of being given
away, of dying, because I may be inappropriate, a bad girl. (I had 4 sets of
foster parents with my parents in between until 7)
Another thing I became aware of was how amazing it was that
I survived and actually turned out the aware, reasonably functioning adult,
even if she is socially inapt.
I know that if we fear something to happen it can become a
self fulfilling prophecy and it happens.
Since I had not dealt with those feelings from way back
then, the terror of that little girl had been stuffed into my body(cells), had
been 'frozen' and I had put a band aid of various coping mechanisms like
withdrawing and addictions on it.
Sure, I had overcome some of these addictions like drugs,
alcohol, toxic relationships, tobacco, but I replaced them with other ones like
coffee, salt and playing (free)games.
The more I did counselling with Interactive Drawing Therapy
(IDT) and the Resolve courses the more I was able to feel/recover my feelings
and come home to myself and the compulsions have been softening.
Apart from the contact I have with a few friends who are
understanding and supportive my preference is still solitude, which is my
boundary to keep me safe and functioning.
The Resolve course has been good for building my social
confidence in a caring environment, where I can be real, by myself, show my
feelings and be acceptable and know that the facilitators will keep the group a
safe space.
In the final session of the course the participants share
their Hero story, which is about where we've been (childhood, wounding, etc)
and how we have grown through the course and it can be anything, a poem, song,
story, etc.
My hero story was about how I have been able to feel on a
deeper level and it included a letter to my little girl, reassuring her that
she is ok.
When I read it standing up in front of the group, I cried
the whole way through, even though I had read it out loud to two of my friends
and a few more times without crying.
The group just listened, held the space for me and gave me
some positive feedback.
Afterwards my little girl felt unsure if it was appropriate
to express her feelings like that (even though it felt ok and 'good' at the time).
Fortunately I had a counselling session the day after, in
which she drew the lurking monster.
When asked what I wanted to do with the drawing, I decided
that I wanted to transform it with love. So my little girl coloured it in with
pink and surrounded it with pink and yellow for light and then it looked like a
caterpillar.
Caterpillars are always hungry, just like my little girl
was/is hungry to have her needs met.
Then I drew a chrysalis and my counsellor said, that when
they looked inside a chrysalis it is just a mush of cells. To me this resembles
my mush of feelings.
The spots of gold on a chrysalis always intrigued me and I
decided that they are signs of the treasure within.
Then I drew a butterfly and it had wings that looked
crumbled, just like the butterfly has crumbled wings when it just comes out the
chrysalis, not quite yet ready to fly.
I feel that in my growth, coming home to myself I am still
fluctuating between the three stages, being hungry to have my needs
acknowledged and met, feeling my feelings, with the hints of the treasure
inside and allowing myself time to adjust before I take flight.
While we were waiting for lunch to be delivered on the last
day of the Resolve course I lead the group through a short impromptu Laughter
Yoga Session, which had people in fits of laughter.
By no means is 'this goose cooked', my journey of coming
home to myself is an ongoing process.
Because of that I have booked in for the next course in a
few weeks time, instead of leaving it for another year, which will give me the
opportunity to gain more social confidence, uncover more unresolved feelings
and allow myself to feel mushy, feel my feelings and help my butterfly to
straighten her wings.
The course had a lot more insights for me and feelings and
healing on a deeper level.
The hero stories of the other participants were a touching
expression of their journey and growth.
The sharing of the group throughout the course contributed
to my healing in a big way.
There is so much more I could share.
For now I hope that maybe what I wrote may resonate with you
and contribute to your journey somehow.
Below is a link to a video:
Allan Schore in "The Neurobiology of a Secure Attachment"
Inside of me
is a little girl that has lived with the fear of being abandoned, being given
away to strangers, not knowing what will happen next. She had four sets of
foster parents, with her parents in between, until her parents had a stable
home when she was seven years old.